Today I want to discuss Freud’s theory, the ego which is the only conscious part of the personality. It’s what the person is aware of when they think about themselves.
We all have an identity we have created for ourselves, and we project this identity onto others.
When the identity is threatened, our body thinks we are in danger, so we go into survival mode. We start to try and fix the problem so our bodies can feel balanced again.
I had an incident on the weekend where I knew I was irritating someone. This person was openly showing me I got on his nerves. He kept making negative remarks and rolled his eyes when I spoke. Even when he didn’t speak, I could feel his aggressive energy towards me.
Unfortunately, I was in a group space where I couldn’t leave.
When I first heard his irritation towards me, I was annoyed.
I wanted to shout at him. “How dare he treat me like that?”
I could feel my body pumping with adrenaline, I couldn’t focus and all I could think about was how annoying he was. He had threatened my ego, he had threatened my belief that I was a likeable person.
Then my anger suddenly turned into sadness and I became submissive.
“I will just please him and stop talking. I am annoying and I should just be quiet”.
Now this was the super ego speaking. The super ego is the part of the unconscious that is the voice of conscience (doing what is right) and the sources of self-criticism. It’s the part that controls your ego so you don’t behave inappropriately. My super ego is, telling me this has happened before; I annoyed my mum when I was younger, that’s why she didn’t want to live with me. I was annoying in primary school, that’s why I got bullied. My super ego was trying to tell my ego I am an annoying person so I should change my behaviour, so I keep this man happy.
This is where we have to remember our bodies are always searching for balance and it will make up whatever story it needs, to solve the problem. The super ego is powerful and that’s why we easily fall into the people pleasing trap. We are convinced if we change our behaviours to meet the person’s needs, we will please our ego by being the likeable person. Except it doesn’t work, me quietening down and not participating in the group didn’t make this man like me.
He still only grunted when I tried to say goodbye.
The only thing it did was trigger me and gave me resentment because I wasn’t able to be myself in the group. I had changed my personality to try and meet someone else’s needs but to be honest I didn’t even know what his needs were.
So I had created a story to try and restore my ego and super ego.
We live in a world where we are going to trigger people. I can could get triggered by you and you wouldn’t even know it. I could get trigged by the coffee man because he is wearing a Cologne that smells like my ex-boyfriend and it’s brought up some uneasy feelings. Though it’s not the coffee man’s fault, and him changing his Cologne doesn’t change the story behind the trigger.
There was nothing I could do to change why this person was triggered by me because only he knows the story which activated the trigger. I can only control the stories I create and not feed the stories that serve me negatively.
This man wasn’t triggered because I was annoying, like the reason why I was bullied and left by my mother because I was annoying. I was just a child. These people have their stories and only the person has control of how they react and feel to a situation.
Love Mel xxx