Alcohol, one week since I’ve touched you, two seconds since I’ve thought of you. I know you are waiting for me to fail, I can hear your niggling voice, it’s my sub-conscious. You are taunting me, you think I rely on you and I’ll crumble without you. Why do I feel embarrassed for wanting to do something that I know is good for me. This decision doesn’t come lightly it’s a build up of pain, guilt, sickness and anxiety that you have caused. Yet I am so scared of how I am going to be perceived by society and also by myself. The hardest thing about making a commitment to being sober is how do I keep connecting with people and staying motivated when I am going against the majority.
This week has been good, there has been zero hangovers so I feel healthy. I’ve been able to be productive every day, as I am not bed ridden and using all my brain power stressing. I wish I could say one week sober magically changes your whole life but I think it will require more time. I know these first few weeks will be hard, I have to be strong and stop craving instant gratification. If I want to see the benefits of being sober I need to commit long term.
It’s my first work event tomorrow. I’m uncomfortable talking about it, the whole thing makes me anxious. For some reason I think that I am ruining people’s night if I attend sober. That I won’t be the fun one and I’ll be boring. Or even worse I will be bored! Heaven forbid if I am in a situation where I don’t feel comfortable. It is deeply-rooted in us that we should always feel good but is this realistic? How can we ever change if we can’t be open to new experiences.
Tomorrow I may not be ready to tell people I am sober and I will most likely be pretending I am drinking a vodka soda through out the night. That’s fine, I’m still figuring this stuff out. I know I could loose my confidence, which may lead me into temptation but if this happens I need to breathe and let the moment pass. The moment will pass because it’s just a thought. We have different thoughts every day doesn’t mean we have to action them. My plan is to always try to hold a soda water in my hand to at least allude my sub-conscious that I am drinking.