I wish I could of fixed you, alcohol you never help

Today I want a drink. It’s the first time since I started this sober journey I have actually had a craving for alcohol. I want to forget, I want alcohol to get rid of this ongoing sadness inside me. I had focused so much on socialising alcohol free, I had forgotten how you feel when you are hurting so much you need something to stop the pain. 

I put down the phone in shock. What were distant memories now seemed like yesterday. Two days since I have heard those heart breaking words. I feel numb and hopeless. I never wanted this for you, I wanted you to be happy. I’d spent so many years trying to stop loving you and now all those feelings are back in abundance. Your touch, your laugh and they way you looked at me. I’m shocked and confused, I can’t comprehend how you would do this to yourself.

I can’t stop thinking about you and analysing every moment we shared. Trying to piece together where it all went wrong. We both partied hard. I wonder if it was the drugs and alcohol that ruined us. I’m sure they made us hurt each other and created so much unnecessary turbulence. The more we partied, the more intoxicating we became. When we were good we were fucking amazing and when it was bad it would hit us both hard. We tried so hard to make us work, but we didn’t get what we needed. We were stuck in an ongoing vicious cycle.

I think about going to a bar and grabbing a drink, to numb the pain for ten minutes. Seeing your name on the funeral upcoming services makes me shake, I can’t believe this is real? I want to contact you and tell you everything I didn’t say when we caught up two years ago. I was tying so hard to not connect with you, I kept my distance. I know I left you that day feeling shit. I’m sorry, I’m sorry for everything. Tears stream down my face, I wish I could of fixed you. We once shared a life, a future. We had dreams of travel, having kids, growing old. Time passes, life changes but I would of never thought I would lose the chance of seeing you again.

My reason for trying an alcohol free life was to learn how to connect with people sober and not be reliant on booze for a good time. Now it’s more than that, I know I have been slowly changing but your death has dramatically impacted me. I look at how drugs and alcohol have contributed pain to the people I love and myself. I’m giving up alcohol because I never want to give myself the chance to fall into a dark place that I would ever consider taking my own life and hurt so many people around me. I know There are many variables that cause people to end their lives but how can we ever have a chance of happiness if we are continuing to put substances in our bodies that fuck with our minds.

This is in the memory of you Sam, you will always be in my heart. Your memories will live with me forever. RIP

Does alcohol make me carefree?

Alcohol, this is my first blog and I want you to understand this is going to be hard for me to break it off. I’m the girl who doesn’t leave your side until early hours of the morning. I love the way you make me feel and how you help me to forget all my cares and stresses in the world. But I’m starting to question your intentions, what about the morning after?

My mouth is dry, my head is pounding and I know in 10 minutes my body is going to be smothered with anxiety. I grasp a glass of water, which is sitting beside my bed, well at least I had prepared myself for what is to come. I feel the trickles of warm water down my throat and there is no sense of relief that I fantasised. My mouth feels disgusting like it’s been drained from any saliva I once had. My lips are dry and raw. My body feels like it has been in a car crash and I am reeking of sweat and alcohol.

I see my phone from the corner of my eye. Well at least I managed to get it home. Then dread suddenly takes over, I don’t want to even think about who I messaged and dialled in the early hours of the morning. I am certain whoever was on the receiving end won’t be impressed today. Flashbacks come to me from the night, I feel sick. Did I really say those things? Did I really act that way? I want to devour my blanket and wrap myself up so no one can see me. I see the sun peeking in, I put my head under my pillow. Today I want to slip away and pretend I don’t exist.