Is socialising making you anxious?

What a weird couple of weeks hey? If you are feeling anxious, I totally get it. On the weekend I went to dinner, lunch, a party, and I felt weird during it all.

I thought my days of feeling socially awkward were over, but I think this lockdown has really screwed with me! 

At a party on Saturday, I was so tempted to have a tequila shot! I mean who would know if I just had one secret shot. Though the problem was I would know!

Then I remembered my decision to give up drinking wasn’t about anyone else it was about the anxiety I had with myself. It was about the guilt and shame knowing I could be so much more without alcohol, and I was holding myself back. 

So again, I played out that tape and realised my true self doesn’t want to have a drink. My true self wants to wake up fresh in the morning, do my assignment, go for a walk, and improve my mental health.

My biggest advice as we go back into socialising is patient with yourself and don’t think too far ahead. Just think about being sober in that moment.

Don’t think about Christmas, New Years and all the other festive events.

Just think about now and question yourself: Are you wanting to drink because you are feeling impulsive or uncomfortable?

If it’s a yes know that those feelings will pass and just accept them. It’s ok to feel uncomfortable because being uncomfortable is what facilitates growth. 

Remember when you first started that new job, it’s always awkward when you are the new person and must learn everything again. You just want to skip the first couple of months to the part where you know everything and everyone! Socialising sober is exactly the same, it won’t always be hard, but you do need to feel awkward at the start because it’s something new. 

What makes this time even harder is that most of us have come out of lock down, so we are trying to adjust to being around people again. It’s a double whammy but I promise you it will be worth it. 

When you wake up in the morning feeling fresh and empowered because you did the thing you said you were going to do, there is no better feeling. 

Love Mel xxx

The relapse – why am I still drinking?

It was only yesterday I was confused about my relationship with alcohol. I thought we could be casual, I thought having a relationship with you could be on my terms but I have quickly realised this is not possible. The worst is you make me hurt other people and hurt myself. You aren’t my friend, you are secretly trying to ruin me…

Well I just read that and it sounds, dramatic. To be honest some people are probably thinking, here we go again… The fact is I need to stop bullshitting myself and realise I can’t do moderation. If I’m feeling guilty for drinking, it is my intuition telling me I shouldn’t drink. I am not going to remind myself about the shitty things I do when I drink or how crap alcohol makes me feel. I know consciously I do not want to drink so subconscious please wake the fuck up!

Going into summer has been a massive trigger for me, the balmy nights, colourful cold cocktails, loud tropical beats and a social scene that is always on. It’s exciting and I crave the thrill of that buzz you get drunk on a night out, it’s exhilarating fun! For a lot of people they can have a few drinks and call the night at a decent hour but for me I need to keep on having fun until I am the last one standing and things aren’t usually as fun anymore, they are just weird. The problem is over the years I have upped my threshold of fun which means regular activities like going to the movies, socialising sober or going for walk are not as fun.

I have been listening to a podcast, ‘This Naked Mind by Annie Grace.’ One of her regular podcasts is ‘Questions with Scott Pinyard’. In episode 221 Scott speaks about people’s fun threshold and how we have upped it so high that it can only be done with artificial substances. This hits the nail on the head, I remember when I use to get a buzz from hanging out with my friends sober. Then I was introduced to alcohol and going out sober was never as fun. A few years later I started experimenting with party drugs and almost instantly I required drugs and alcohol to have a fun night out. I had without thinking rewired my fun threshold in my brain.

Scientifically this fun threshold is the brain’s reward system, the place where dopamine, a chemical messenger, is released and creates pleasure and reward. Guess what, my brain is amazing and did this naturally but I chose to fuck the whole system up. Now my brain needs large amounts of dopamine for an amazing fun time, which can only be done with alcohol and drugs. The good news is the brain is powerful and does more than just create pleasure. My mission is to rewire my brain by creating new thrills, trying to bring down that fun threshold by keeping myself distracted with challenges and new activities. Using tools such as meditation and being more mindful can help quieten down the brain’s craving for reward and hopefully I can be at peace with no alcohol.

https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2017/09/the-addicted-brain

https://thisnakedmind.com/

Alcohol after a break

Alcohol I have been silent…I’ve been ignoring the conversation. You have re-entered my life and I’m still not sure on what capacity that is. Are we casual, can we just be friends or are we done?

Four months ago I decided to change myself. Even as I write this I know it’s a huge and rather dramatic statement but I had to be real. For years I have been waking up regretting my reckless decisions and living life to get through the hours rather then making the hours count. From the surface everything looked fine but occasionally I would break and it was the people close to me that had to pick up the pieces. Living this life can bring excitement and even insanely mind blowing moments. Though it’s the days in between that leave me feeling like i’m just going through the motions and could break any moment. These days make up the majority of life.

Recently I broke my booze free life and started moderately drinking socially again. There is a part of me that was disappointed in myself and there were days I thought I had failed. But then I realised how can I fail when my journey is still beginning. I’m still here living and trying to change myself every day. I gave up alcohol for three months and I am proud of myself because through that break I found out what I value in life, who I want to be and the standards I want to live up to. As quoted from Henry Ford Don’t find fault, find a remedy:anybody can complain.

The truth is right now I don’t know where I am at with my relationship with alcohol. I know how to differentiate myself drinking mindfully to drinking recklessly. Before I had the break from booze I had no idea of my actual intentions when drinking and now I realise I can’t drink when I’m stressed or seeking that rush of excitement/high because I’m bored or hyped up. I have continually lived life from one extreme to another, my personality hasn’t understood balance. Over the past few months I’ve introduced discipline into certain areas of my life from drinking, diet and exercise. I’ve had non-negotiable rituals and habits that have given me strength and resilience in my body and mind. Having this consistency in my life has given me integrity and confidence. My overall goal is to find a peaceful balance so I can consistently be that reliable friend, loving partner, influential boss and a happy me.

Can you keep your social life and be alcohol free

Alcohol, I hear you mentioned at least five time a day. People talk about you because it’s what everyone has in common. You are relateable and you create stories, conversations and connections that people may not naturally have. So how do I stay relateable and connected to the world when I’m practically going against it?

I find the biggest challenge to giving up alcohol is the concern that I will become boring or people will think I’m boring. I don’t want to lose my social life and my friends. I love the excitement of knowing I have a party or an event coming up. I enjoy thinking about what I am going to wear and who I’m going to hang out with on the night. Life can be so stressful and chaotic it’s nice to have something to look forward to. A day/night that is dedicated to having fun , where you can let your hair down. So why should I loose these experiences because I don’t drink alcohol. When did alcohol become the vital part of me having a good time and connecting with people? Surely this can’t be true.

On Tuesday night I hosted an event where I had invited clients and friends. A couple days prior I had got that rush of excitement I usually do before a night out drinking. I was excited to have my friends and favourite clients in the same room. I planned what I was going to wear and even went to the hairdressers to get my hair coloured. Usually doing this preparation before an event meant I was going to have a big one. The kind of big one that would result in rocking up to work the morning after late and operating on no sleep. I think subconsciously I still thought there was a chance of this happening as I left my car at work.

I remember on my way to the event I was having an internal battle questioning why I shouldn’t drink tonight.
“If you drink you will most likely be depressed and be unproductive for the next week.”
“But this is an event with all my favourite people, I want to have a good time and be fun.”
“Yes you may be more funny and entertaining but there is also a chance you will be disengaged, inappropriate and sloppy.”
“But I know better now, I can drink and be well behaved!”
“Mm looking at your past trends, drunk you doesn’t think rationally, drunk you doesn’t give a fuck about anything or anyone. It’s not one occasion you have got drunk and made mistakes, this happens about eighty percent of the time you drink.”
I have my answer, I simply don’t want to be fucked for the rest of the week or make a dick of myself.

It’s Saturday and I went for a run this morning, spent time with my partner and am now writing this. I feel motivated, energy levels are high and my head space is good. The event was successful and to my surprise I was one of the last people standing. I didn’t touch a drink and I can honestly say I enjoyed being sober. I loved the conversations I had and my friends said they have never seen me so engaging. In the past week I have been the most social I have ever been post event. Usually I would do one social outing and then I would feel so shit I would spend my evenings in bed eating crap and watching Netflix. Being alcohol free hasn’t made me less social or fun, it’s actually increased my energy to spend more time with my friends and helped me be a better person to hang out with.

Alcohol, 3 reasons to go back to you…

1. Alcohol, It’s party season, you are at every event. Everyone is drinking you and I don’t want to be the odd one out. I want to have fun with my friends and you have always made this happen!

An ongoing internal battle, when did it become a thing that I needed alcohol to socialise with my friends. The past month I have been experimenting with no alcohol at social events. My friends are drinking but I simply choose not to. I remember now why I call them my friends because these are the people I have chosen to be close to in my life and they make me feel good. I take my non alcoholic wine to these parties and no one even questions me. I have also discovered I’m still fun when I am not drunk and my decision to not drink doesn’t make anyone feel uncomfortable. Yes there are times when It has been hard or tempting to drink but that feeling always passes. Now I spend my weekends catching up with more friends and not laying in bed hungover and depressed on Sunday!

2. Alcohol, work is stressful and my life is turning to chaos. I need you to let me escape for a moment and help me relax.

The past three weeks have been stressful and I have been tempted to have a wine to stop my thoughts for a moment. Though I know as soon as I would of taken that first sip, I’d be chasing the alcohol high until the bottle was gone. I had to remember when I used alcohol to numb the pain I would constantly wake up the next morning feeling anxious, groggy and tired. Now I wake up alert and motivated for the day. I realise now it’s not normal to wake up feeling shit, it’s not normal to still be half asleep whilst driving to work. Lately work has been hard and some bad shit has happened in my personal life but because I haven’t touched alcohol I have been able to stay rational, strong and determined to be happy.

3. Alcohol, you help me at work events to be confident and charismatic. You give the courage and motivation to be out with clients. You make work fun and exciting!

When I think about client entertaining and connecting with work colleagues, this is what really tempts me to drink. Reflecting on nights I have had with clients and colleagues over bottles of wine and music makes me want to go back to my drinking habits. Though when I dissect this, was it as good as I remembered? I also remember not turning up to work and if I did turn up I was dishevelled and unproductive. The other memories I have are making bad decisions and saying things I regret. The taxis home at five am in the morning being filled with anxiety knowing I had to work in a couple of hours. I use to think I wouldn’t be able to connect with clients and colleagues without alcohol but since being alcohol free this is not the case. When I am not drunk I am actually a better listener, my conversations are more engaging and I am present in the moment. Now when walking into the office I still have my dignity.

I wish I could of fixed you, alcohol you never help

Today I want a drink. It’s the first time since I started this sober journey I have actually had a craving for alcohol. I want to forget, I want alcohol to get rid of this ongoing sadness inside me. I had focused so much on socialising alcohol free, I had forgotten how you feel when you are hurting so much you need something to stop the pain.

I put down the phone in shock. What were distant memories now seemed like yesterday. Two days since I have heard those heart breaking words. I feel numb and hopeless. I never wanted this for you, I wanted you to be happy. I’d spent so many years trying to stop loving you and now all those feelings are back in abundance. Your touch, your laugh and they way you looked at me. I’m shocked and confused, I can’t comprehend how you would do this to yourself.

I can’t stop thinking about you and analysing every moment we shared. Trying to piece together where it all went wrong. We both partied hard. I wonder if it was the drugs and alcohol that ruined us. I’m sure they made us hurt each other and created so much unnecessary turbulence. The more we partied, the more intoxicating we became. When we were good we were fucking amazing and when it was bad it would hit us both hard. We tried so hard to make us work, but we didn’t get what we needed. We were stuck in an ongoing vicious cycle.

I think about going to a bar and grabbing a drink, to numb the pain for ten minutes. Seeing your name on the funeral upcoming services makes me shake, I can’t believe this is real? I want to contact you and tell you everything I didn’t say when we caught up two years ago. I was tying so hard to not connect with you, I kept my distance. I know I left you that day feeling shit. I’m sorry, I’m sorry for everything. Tears stream down my face, I wish I could of fixed you. We once shared a life, a future. We had dreams of travel, having kids, growing old. Time passes, life changes but I would of never thought I would lose the chance of seeing you again.

My reason for trying an alcohol free life was to learn how to connect with people sober and not be reliant on booze for a good time. Now it’s more than that, I know I have been slowly changing but your death has dramatically impacted me. I look at how drugs and alcohol have contributed pain to the people I love and myself. I’m giving up alcohol because I never want to give myself the chance to fall into a dark place that I would ever consider taking my own life and hurt so many people around me. I know There are many variables that cause people to end their lives but how can we ever have a chance of happiness if we are continuing to put substances in our bodies that fuck with our minds.

This is in the memory of you Sam, you will always be in my heart. Your memories will live with me forever. RIP

.

I wish I could of fixed you, alcohol you never help

Today I want a drink. It’s the first time since I started this sober journey I have actually had a craving for alcohol. I want to forget, I want alcohol to get rid of this ongoing sadness inside me. I had focused so much on socialising alcohol free, I had forgotten how you feel when you are hurting so much you need something to stop the pain. 

I put down the phone in shock. What were distant memories now seemed like yesterday. Two days since I have heard those heart breaking words. I feel numb and hopeless. I never wanted this for you, I wanted you to be happy. I’d spent so many years trying to stop loving you and now all those feelings are back in abundance. Your touch, your laugh and they way you looked at me. I’m shocked and confused, I can’t comprehend how you would do this to yourself.

I can’t stop thinking about you and analysing every moment we shared. Trying to piece together where it all went wrong. We both partied hard. I wonder if it was the drugs and alcohol that ruined us. I’m sure they made us hurt each other and created so much unnecessary turbulence. The more we partied, the more intoxicating we became. When we were good we were fucking amazing and when it was bad it would hit us both hard. We tried so hard to make us work, but we didn’t get what we needed. We were stuck in an ongoing vicious cycle.

I think about going to a bar and grabbing a drink, to numb the pain for ten minutes. Seeing your name on the funeral upcoming services makes me shake, I can’t believe this is real? I want to contact you and tell you everything I didn’t say when we caught up two years ago. I was tying so hard to not connect with you, I kept my distance. I know I left you that day feeling shit. I’m sorry, I’m sorry for everything. Tears stream down my face, I wish I could of fixed you. We once shared a life, a future. We had dreams of travel, having kids, growing old. Time passes, life changes but I would of never thought I would lose the chance of seeing you again.

My reason for trying an alcohol free life was to learn how to connect with people sober and not be reliant on booze for a good time. Now it’s more than that, I know I have been slowly changing but your death has dramatically impacted me. I look at how drugs and alcohol have contributed pain to the people I love and myself. I’m giving up alcohol because I never want to give myself the chance to fall into a dark place that I would ever consider taking my own life and hurt so many people around me. I know There are many variables that cause people to end their lives but how can we ever have a chance of happiness if we are continuing to put substances in our bodies that fuck with our minds.

This is in the memory of you Sam, you will always be in my heart. Your memories will live with me forever. RIP

Client Entertaining – Do you need alcohol to connect?

Don’t worry you aren’t forgotten. I still talk about you and I’m reminded of your existence every day. The thing is unless I quit my job and live under a rock you will always be there. I’m not trying to run away from you, I’m trying to stand up to you.

Monday morning sales meeting and the pressure is intense. The market is competitive and I have to stand out from my competitors to be successful. Sales is fast paced and if I am not out in the industry networking and reaching out to new clients I have no hope. I know what I am up against. Most sales managers are entertaining clients every night of the week, schmoozing over wine and cocaine until early hours of the morning.

It wasn’t long ago that sales manager was me. Long lunches, late night drinking and the dread of knowing I had to be at work the following day. Those early morning alarms where I have only had two hours sleep still make me shudder. When I finally did manage to get to work, I looked like shit and I stunk of booze. I could hardly string a sentence together and I was exhausted. It didn’t end there, this would continue for three days, post client event. Every time I justified to myself that it was worth it. It was worth using alcohol to break down the barriers with a client so we could connect. I was so willing to make myself physically and mentally sick for three days to build a relationship with a human being. When did I start thinking like this?

I remember when I was young I’d go to parties and school dances with my friends. We would spend our holidays at the beach, explore the local mall, watch movies and have sleepovers. I was an only child so I was always meeting new kids and making new friends. Except back then I didn’t need alcohol to connect with people. It wasn’t until I was fifteen that I got introduced to booze and like everyone else I got addicted to the way it made me feel. I also liked that alcohol brought everyone together and allowed us to be our true selves. It felt like we were creating special bonds between each other. But looking back I realised I had already created those bonds and I was always myself before I had ever taken that first sip of alcohol.

This reliance on alcohol to connect with people isn’t real and has nearly ruined me a few times. I don’t need it, I already get energised off people’s energy and have since a young age. I love conversing and learning to enjoy what someone has to offer. Being sober I give people my true self not a person that doesn’t give a shit and can hardly stay engaged longer than ten minutes. One of the main reasons I hadn’t became sober sooner was because I wasn’t confident enough to think that people wouldn’t like me or want to do business with me without alcohol. I had to realise that my success is not from alcohol it’s from me. Why would I let alcohol take credit for that?

Are you missing out being sober?

We are both here but it’s different. I’m not thirsty for you, tonight for the first time I see what you are. I don’t even look at you and when I get asked if I want a drink I say no without hesitation. Tonight I’m in control. Not you or anyone else.

Thursday night was the first test, a work event that I attended sober. I have attempted this a million times before, even driven my car to hold me accountable. More times then none I would end up drinking more than I normally would and then have to deal with a hefty fine in the morning because I have left my car in a clear way.

I arrived at the event alone and walked in nervously. Usually I would of already had a few drinks to have taken the edge off. I locate my colleagues quickly and we are all gathered near the bar. They have all been drinking prior to the event but to be honest it wasn’t noticeable. In the first couple of hours a few people ask me why I am not drinking and I reply with saying I’m having a night off. The subject changes fast and people want to talk about other things. For once I have my colleagues and clients talking to me and I am able to engage and listen to what they are saying. A couple of hours pass and I notice people getting drunker and the music getting louder. I breathe and take in the moment, I feel energised by the people I’m surrounded by and the upbeat music. I’m soon dancing, laughing and everyone including myself have forgotten I’m sober. The only time I am reminded is when someone questions how much have I had to drink? I reply nothing!
Midnight arrives, tiredness creeps over me and I no longer want to stand on my sore feet. I say my good byes mentioning I have an early flight the next morning.

In the taxi home I reminisce of similar rides but previously they have been when the sun is rising. I would be sitting in the same seat with my head in my hands feeling alone. It’s as if as soon as you leave the bar anxiety and depression are waiting to grab you. All types of worry and angst would go through my head, physically and mentally I was exhausted.
As I am sitting in this taxi now I think why the fuck would I have put myself through those emotions? For what? The fear that if I don’t drink alcohol I won’t have the experiences I have when I am drunk. Those meaningful conversations, dancing like you are the only one in the room and laughing so hard your whole body hurts. I had those experiences tonight they weren’t as intense but I know I’ll remember them tomorrow and there are no regrets.

Connecting with people is a a part of me, it’s what contributes to my happiness. This can make me vulnerable especially when I’ve consumed too much alcohol, I loose all my inhibitions and inhibitions are there to protect me. I crave the intimate moments that come with losing my inhibitions but I have continuously put myself in situations where there is too much risk. The amount of times I have woken up the next day and watched a video where I am sloppy on the dance floor and actually look like a dickhead. Waking up to a messages where people has been offended from something I have said or I have told someone something I shouldn’t have. Coming in on a Monday morning and being disciplined for making inappropriate jokes at a work event and I should be more professional.
It’s not worth it and it’s not who I want to be. Going to a work event sober didn’t stop me from connecting with people or having fun. I had all these experiences but this time I also kept my integrity.


Fighting the Inner Voice – Going to a work event sober

Alcohol, one week since I’ve touched you, two seconds since I’ve thought of you. I know you are waiting for me to fail, I can hear your niggling voice, it’s my sub-conscious. You are taunting me, you think I rely on you and I’ll crumble without you. Why do I feel embarrassed for wanting to do something that I know is good for me. This decision doesn’t come lightly it’s a build up of pain, guilt, sickness and anxiety that you have caused. Yet I am so scared of how I am going to be perceived by society and also by myself. The hardest thing about making a commitment to being sober is how do I keep connecting with people and staying motivated when I am going against the majority.

This week has been good, there has been zero hangovers so I feel healthy. I’ve been able to be productive every day, as I am not bed ridden and using all my brain power stressing. I wish I could say one week sober magically changes your whole life but I think it will require more time. I know these first few weeks will be hard, I have to be strong and stop craving instant gratification. If I want to see the benefits of being sober I need to commit long term.


It’s my first work event tomorrow. I’m uncomfortable talking about it, the whole thing makes me anxious. For some reason I think that I am ruining people’s night if I attend sober. That I won’t be the fun one and I’ll be boring. Or even worse I will be bored! Heaven forbid if I am in a situation where I don’t feel comfortable. It is deeply-rooted in us that we should always feel good but is this realistic? How can we ever change if we can’t be open to new experiences.

Tomorrow I may not be ready to tell people I am sober and I will most likely be pretending I am drinking a vodka soda through out the night. That’s fine, I’m still figuring this stuff out. I know I could loose my confidence, which may lead me into temptation but if this happens I need to breathe and let the moment pass. The moment will pass because it’s just a thought. We have different thoughts every day doesn’t mean we have to action them. My plan is to always try to hold a soda water in my hand to at least allude my sub-conscious that I am drinking.

The Ultimate Party Girl – Does alcohol make you the fun one?

Alcohol you are fun, you transform me into a new person. You remove all the barriers allowing me to be playful, interesting, funny and confident. You make me the ultimate party girl. So why are all my friends distancing themselves from me?

The anticipation gives me butterflies, tonight has been on a the cards for a while. The thought of seeing my friends is exciting and I wonder what stories and secrets will be told. We use to catch up every week but lately it’s got harder and before you know it 6 months has passed without seeing each other. Tonight will be a treat, it will be special and we will create memories.

The night starts with cracking open a bottle of champagne. That crispy fizzy taste swells around my mouth. I feel the warmth creeping up my body and the adrenaline is kicking in. The alcohol is rapidly filling every part of me and it feels good. The first glass goes down fast, so fast that I haven’t even allowed for someone else to pour before I’m filling my glass again. It’s not long before I’ve already drunk a bottle to myself.

The low lighting and upbeat music gives the restaurant an urban sophisticated ambience. We have been here for about twenty minutes and the conversation is flowing. I hear my voice getting louder and my movements getting more disruptive . I know I’m being obnoxious but my confidence is increasing. There is a break in conversation and I realise my friend is grabbing my attention. I try hard to engage with her but I’m hardly listening , I’m quickly distracted by a joke from the other side of the table. I abruptly leave my seat and walk over.

We head to the bar, I’m starting to feel sloppy and tired. I need something harder to straighten me up. In 5 minutes I’ve left my friends to pick up cocaine on the other side of town. I haven’t even acknowledged the thought that I’m taking out the rent money to pay for this. With my co-ordination decreasing and my concept of time lapsing, two hours have past and I’m only just getting back to the bar.

Well I’m here and all my friends have left, though I don’t care because I’m high on the dance floor. Four am arrives and all I have left is a bag of coke and a bunch of randoms. All of my inhibitions have gone and I invite absolute strangers back to my house, my home which is meant to be my sanctuary. Though now this does not exist and I have turned it into a drug den that you would see in the movies. Bottles everywhere, rubbish sprawled on the floor, plates with little plastic bags on the coffee table. Ten am creeps up and I feel disgusted, guilty and I know I need to get these fuck wits out of my house.

Does alcohol make me carefree?

Alcohol, this is my first blog and I want you to understand this is going to be hard for me to break it off. I’m the girl who doesn’t leave your side until early hours of the morning. I love the way you make me feel and how you help me to forget all my cares and stresses in the world. But I’m starting to question your intentions, what about the morning after?

My mouth is dry, my head is pounding and I know in 10 minutes my body is going to be smothered with anxiety. I grasp a glass of water, which is sitting beside my bed, well at least I had prepared myself for what is to come. I feel the trickles of warm water down my throat and there is no sense of relief that I fantasised. My mouth feels disgusting like it’s been drained from any saliva I once had. My lips are dry and raw. My body feels like it has been in a car crash and I am reeking of sweat and alcohol.

I see my phone from the corner of my eye. Well at least I managed to get it home. Then dread suddenly takes over, I don’t want to even think about who I messaged and dialled in the early hours of the morning. I am certain whoever was on the receiving end won’t be impressed today. Flashbacks come to me from the night, I feel sick. Did I really say those things? Did I really act that way? I want to devour my blanket and wrap myself up so no one can see me. I see the sun peeking in, I put my head under my pillow. Today I want to slip away and pretend I don’t exist. 

The Morning After – Does alcohol calm stress?

Alcohol, this is my first blog and I want you to understand this is going to be hard for me to break it off. I’m the girl who doesn’t leave your side until early hours of the morning. I love the way you make me feel and how you help me to forget all my cares and stresses in the world. But I’m starting to question your intentions, what about the morning after?

My mouth is dry, my head is pounding and I know in 10 minutes my body is going to be smothered with anxiety. I grasp a glass of water, which is sitting beside my bed, well at least I had prepared myself for what is to come. I feel the trickles of warm water down my throat and there is no sense of relief that I fantasised. My mouth feels disgusting like it’s been drained from any saliva I once had. My lips are dry and raw. My body feels like it has been in a car crash and I am reeking of sweat and alcohol.

I see my phone from the corner of my eye. Well at least I managed to get it home. Then dread suddenly takes over, I don’t want to even think about who I messaged and dialled in the early hours of the morning. I am certain whoever was on the receiving end won’t be impressed today. Flash backs come back to me from the night, I feel sick. Did I really say those things? Did I really act that way? I want to devour my blanket and wrap myself up so no one can see me. I see the sun peeking in, I put my head under my pillow. Today I want to slip away and pretend I don’t exist.